Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
