I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
No more Irish car bombs ever.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
