My nipple is on Facebook.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Success! We fucked roommates!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
