I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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