she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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