I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
