FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
