this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
