Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
