your parents love me but you hate me
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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