Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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