Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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