I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
