people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
