Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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