He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
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When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
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How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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