Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
