Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
