Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
This baby is an asshole
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
