nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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