We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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