having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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