If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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