Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
