So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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