It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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