time to smoke my breakfast
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
