a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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