Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
soo... how was my night?
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