youre lurking in front of me
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
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