Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
