So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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