What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
