Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
