I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
