Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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