He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
