You're completely useless in the revolution.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
