Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
