last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
