Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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