he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
