Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
