he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
