Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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