What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
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I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
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I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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