I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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