You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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