Kiss
Puke
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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