Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
