i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
