bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
