I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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