Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Welp...herpes.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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