either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
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No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
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he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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