some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
