You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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