Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
