i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
