im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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